About Me


I am Cairn- a play on my given name, Karen.  My husband helped me to realize myself as I am now- all biological, mental and emotional crap aside, 42 years old, and stable. I am a crystal-loving, thoroughly therapeutized, old-souled, newborn. After a previous marriage, several nervous breakdowns, raising a child though it all, I am ready to tell my stories.* I am an open encyclopedia- anything you want to know about mental, physical and sexual abuse is in the pages of my consciousness. Better yet, anything you want to know about therapy, medications, survival, I'm your book.

I was born into apathy. As far as I can tell, having kids was "the thing to do"- my brother and I were thusly appropriated.   Love was not really a factor. A deep yearning desire to stare into her children's eyes and all that jazz was not on my mother's agenda. My brother, 2 years my senior, and I were conceived by two people who married, also because it was "what was done".  We were both full-time day-"care" recipients from the first allowable get-go. They divorced when I was two-years-old.  My mother was a high school math teacher. My father was a tenured microbiology professor- they had stuff to do.

A few years of marriage in, my father realized that his life with my mother was loveless and he had slightly loftier visions about his life- being alone would be a huge improvement. My mother met a man right away. Being her own person has never been her forte. He was perfect- a man with a plan and a psychology degree to enforce it. What she didn't realize was that he didn't marry her- he married me.

These are the memories of the brain damaged, Post Traumatic Stress Disordered Enterprise. I am about to boldly go where no wo-man has really gone before.


*My stories are "ugly" and raw. I do warn that I am not one to mince words. I have experienced other peoples' stories as catalysts to my own subconscious memories in both cathartic and catastrophic ways. This type of experience can be very intense and can, and for lack of better phrasing, freak people out. Please, if you are just coming to realize abuse in your life, check yourself as to whether reading my stories will help or hinder right now.

8 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing your story of abuse and survival. When we share our stories, which aren't for the faint-hearted, we pass our courage on to other survivors and give them permission to share their stories too. I do the same with my own blog Spiritual Journey Of A Lightworker.

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    1. I love you blog and have linked to it here. We aren't many speaking out , but we are millions who are quieted and shamed. I believe we are all one ( as cheesy as that sounds), therefore we are all responsible for "outing" the stuff of shame- not that of the survivor , but that of a system that doesn't do enough to help.
      :) Cairn

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  2. Bless you for your courage and I appreciate your warning at the bottom of your post. It is important as many are just finding their way. Thank you for sharing your story.

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    1. Thank you, indeed, for sharing in my story. I like your "anme". Will you tell me more about Mystic_Mom?

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  3. You have my all respect and I admire you to be capable to create this blog.
    You are a WONDERFUL ARTIST.
    Sophie Cerda.

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    1. Hi Sophie! Thank you. Do you have any suggestions? I want to make sure to keep people interested.
      Love, Cairn

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  4. Cairn, it would be absolutely amazing to turn this into a book some day. Your writing is beautiful and heartfelt.

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  5. My daughter, Tonya, revealed to me only a couple of years ago, the abuse her father, my husband at the time, gave to her. I was flabbergasted. I had no clue that this man who fathered my daughter could molest and rape the baby he produced. It took many months to not cry about it and even now it's hard. She wouldn't let me near her during the times of discover/recovery. She is in a better place, as she knew she had to tell me, to heal herself. Now I understand why she's always in "charge". However, her current husband, who is a savior to her father's attention, isn't very nice to her. He's a good man, but is a jealous man and treats her in a way that won't let her be a proper mother two her two children. He knew what her father did to her, long before she told me. Her two children who are adults now, knew early in their lives what Grandpa Sid did to her. I am so unhappy that she didn't tell me what was happening then. I told her to tell me if anything like that was happening, but he threatened me with death if she told back then. Come to find out, she was molested by the babysitter's son way back when she was 5. She told the babysitter ( a good family friend) and she didn't believe her. I knew something was going on, but the babysitter lied to me and Tonya never told me, until the revelation of it all. Tonya was consoling another girl on the bus about her father getting after her, and I knew about that. She just couldn't take the chance that Sid would kill me. So, very sad what abused kids like you and Tonya go through. Tonya and I are still close, it's amazing.

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