Writing these stories is very healing and I am always looking for ways to sooth my soul, but I am not writing these entries in for catharsis. I truly feel that I closed the book on those painful years a good five years ago. Yes, it will always be with me. A good friend of mine who recently sustained a head injury and has her own wonderfully informative blog reminded me that people with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder often have long standing brain deficits. I take medications every day that I could not live without. I make adjustments in my life in order to keep a calm mind and body. I flinch when things come too near me too fast and so on and so forth. These things are for forever and sometimes that pisses me off, but I don't liken it to my life being destroyed anymore. Sometimes I get a little down on myself for not being a high-powered something -or -other. Then I remember that I am lucky to be alive. I am lucky that my daughter is such a wonderful and inspirational young woman and that my husband supports and loves me always. I have incredible friends and family.
My mother is still alive. My step-father and my dad have both passed. My mom knows about this blog and supports it (yes,with trepidation!) She is not the same mother you read about in these stories. She has changed immensely. She is loving and caring and has done work to understand the effects of her actions on me and my brother. Since I believe that what happens to one person happens to all people, I appreciate her sincere effort to be open -minded and just plain good of heart because that effects everyone.
This is about a road that so many people have been down. It's about how people act. It is also about how people change. My journey has been long and arduous. Everyone in my path has been along for a hell of a ride. If I can take some people along with me now, as a healed woman, then this journey is truly magical. This is about ripping off the veil of shame that is so prevalent in our culture when it comes to child abuse. There are many things that our society is good at ignoring or belittling, but I believe that sexual abuse is the most quieted monster. It is the 21st century- a time that seemed mystical back in the 70's. So many things have changed- look at the technologies, the advances in science, the way we are impacted by media and yet, NOTHING has changed in terms of really exposing the facts about sexual abuse and how insidious the psychological effects are. There is still unmitigated shame. People still can't put sentences together that describe sexual abuse experiences because it feels weird. We don't do "weird" well as a culture. No one has really gone past the discomfort of this subject in order to put it on the table for dissection. It is no wonder there is still so much toxicity within families- their legacies are still a mystery. It is no wonder the statistics on the fatalities and wreckage due to this unkempt mess is skyrocketing.
Recently a younger friend of mine wrote to me that after reading this blog. He/She is seeking healing from his/her past. If I died today after reading that, I would be as happy as I have ever been.
If I can do one small thing to rip a hole in the facade I am glad to expose my life. Please pass my blog to as many people as possible. Please dare to talk about sexual abuse. Much more than that, please dare to do something about it.