Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Diaper Baby

I am 5 years old. I have crossed my step father and now I am running up the stairs hoping to get to my closet fast enough to hide. I figure if I have gone through all of this trouble to get away and he knows I am scared, he might not bother putting more energy into the chase.  He has never bothered to do much more than yell.  This time, to my surprise, he ascends after me.  I take to the air as he scoops me under his arm and finishes the stairwell.

He is yelling good now.  He says it's time I learn.  I need to know who is in charge.  It will NEVER be me, that's for damn sure.  I don't know this side of him.  Up until now he has been kind, spending lots of time with me in my room.  We have special games that only he and I play together.  My brother gets locked out.  He just goes and plays with his Legos.  He is jealous of the attention that I get and I feel sad for him.  But I feel special.  When my mother is working and then comes home looking sour, I just ignore her because I have a friend in my step father.

But now, he is a stranger when he throws me on my bed and rips my pants off, underwear too.  For a moment, before he bends me over his knee, I think we are going to play our usual games and he will like me again.  That idea is halted by a sharp slap to my legs.  I have never been hit by anyone before.  His assault becomes furious.  His open-handed slaps turn to closed fisted punches.  My tiny body bends and jerks.  I can't find my breath anymore as he knocks it out of me over and over. 

I am aware of a warm wetness now.  Am I bleeding?  Am I bleeding?  I must be bleeding.  I enter into  a whole new level of hysteria.  He pushes me to the floor and I roll- each turn pressuring different aches.  The bottom of my shirt is wet, the rug is damp.  He takes his jeans off and pushes my face into the cold fabric and then stands tall, balls them up and whips them at me.  He tells me I am disgusting and even though I don't know how, he commands me to clean this piss up while he goes to look for a diaper for the big baby that I am.  Only babies pee their pants.


During the few years that led to this first introduction to fear, my step father had been "grooming" me. This is a tactic used by predators. In the last stages before the perpetrator finally gets what he/she is after without fear of being exposed, things get scary very quickly... 

Here is a link that talks about the six stages of "Grooming":

1 comment:

  1. This hurts me so terribly for you. I think of hiding from my father and his fury and getting dragged out from under the bed....then I think of my sweet babies and how I'd want to literally die, if anyone did that to them.