Thursday, March 22, 2012

Darkness Either Way

I am nine years old.  My closet scares me.  I close its door, but it pops open in the night.  This old farmhouse moves its energy around as it pleases.  The closet is narrow and deep- a demon's den.  But I am willing to seek its farthest depths in trade for respite from what I know of life.

When my stepfather comes into my room, I hold my breath and watch the green swirls that are born of total darkness.  If he hears me breathe, what nightmares will be mine in waking hours that are worse than this closet?  If I move, what darkness deeper than this closet will befall me?  If I blink, what visions in the day will be mine to own worse than those which I encountered in this black box? 

I sit here every day, all day, for a week.  I hear him ranting in the house- where the hell have I gone off to?  There are chores to do.  I know. There are duties to perform.  I know I will face his wrath when I emerge.  My jaw will ache with the angry insistence of his loins.  My scalp will sear after the punishing grip of his hand in my hair.  My knees will bleed as they rasp the floor with his every thrust.  But still, I will hide, for as long as I can.  I will learn to love the dark and the apparitions I once feared, because nothing is more terrifying than the world outside. 

Child Abuse, Sexual Abuse, PTSD, Anxiety, Self-harm, Cutting, Depression, Survivor, Survivor of childhood abuse, Postpartum depression, postpartum psychosis, OCD, Recovered memories, Repressed memories, Spousification, Stockholm Syndrome, Suicide, Teen Suicide, bullying, drug abuse, incest, memoir, Attachment Disorder, reactive Attachment Disorder, Physical Abuse, Mental illness


  1. I like it. Short, concise, very powerful. The last sentence wraps the story up so beautifully.

    1. Thank you, Ann. Your input is very valuable to me.

  2. "My jaw will ache with the angry insistence of his loins"
    terrifying and powerful sentence.- Bethany

  3. I shudder as I read, wanting only to make him never born. I'm truly sorry for what you've endured and so thankful for your life now.