The Bitter Taste of Everything

I am 14 years old.  In the bathroom nearest the kitchen I wretch as loudly as I can so my mother will hear.  The deeper my fingers tap and dig my throat the more my back arches as I attempt to eject everything- food and memories that come to me fast and hard these days.  My eyes bulge with the effort.  My face reddens and sweats with labor.  My abdomen pulses as my shoulders pull together, straining every muscle.  Since there is nothing on the outside of me to make my mother love me, maybe my insides, to my own peril, will be enough.  

...

After a couple of months of these desperate attempts to make my mother love me, to care and inquire, I gave up.  I continued to use this method (Bulimia), intermittently along with cutting.  It was never about my body image. It was always about feeling dirty inside and out. 

A concise article about a study that shows that Child Abuse and Bulimia are interlinked:

""... sexual abuse may initiate a pattern of dealing with emotional distress that brings a high likelihood of bulimia. Young bulimics share both emotional secrecy and profound guilt with many victims of sexual abuse. It is possible that for some patients, this emotional style begins with the abusive experience. This psychological style may be an important focus for psychotherapy."

Child Abuse, Sexual Abuse, PTSD, Anxiety, Self-harm, Cutting, Depression, Survivor, Survivor of childhood abuse, Postpartum depression, postpartum psychosis, OCD, Recovered memories, Repressed memories, Spousification, Stockholm Syndrome, Suicide, Teen Suicide, bullying, drug abuse, incest, memoir, Attachment Disorder, reactive Attachment Disorder, Physical Abuse, Mental illness