Monday, March 26, 2012

The Bitter Taste of Everything

I am 14 years old.  In the bathroom nearest the kitchen I wretch as loudly as I can so my mother will hear.  The deeper my fingers tap and dig my throat the more my back arches as I attempt to eject everything- food and memories that come to me fast and hard these days.  My eyes bulge with the effort.  My face reddens and sweats with labor.  My abdomen pulses as my shoulders pull together, straining every muscle.  Since there is nothing on the outside of me to make my mother love me, maybe my insides, to my own peril, will be enough.  


...

After a couple of months of these desperate attempts to make my mother love me, to care and inquire, I gave up.  I continued to use this method (Bulimia), intermittently along with cutting.  It was never about my body image. It was always about feeling dirty inside and out. 

""... sexual abuse may initiate a pattern of dealing with emotional distress that brings a high likelihood of bulimia. Young bulimics share both emotional secrecy and profound guilt with many victims of sexual abuse. It is possible that for some patients, this emotional style begins with the abusive experience. This psychological style may be an important focus for psychotherapy."



Child Abuse, Sexual Abuse, PTSD, Anxiety, Self-harm, Cutting, Depression, Survivor, Survivor of childhood abuse, Postpartum depression, postpartum psychosis, OCD, Recovered memories, Repressed memories, Spousification, Stockholm Syndrome, Suicide, Teen Suicide, bullying, drug abuse, incest, memoir, Attachment Disorder, reactive Attachment Disorder, Physical Abuse, Mental illness

8 comments:

  1. This will make me think a little harder and look a little deeper next time i encounter a teen with cutting or bulimia issues.

    Sending you love and light, as always...
    -LW

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    1. Thank you. That is what this is all about.:)

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  2. I starved myself and took a lot of diuretics and laxatives, in my late teens and throughout my twenties. I look back at my pictures and it was scary how distorted my body image was...

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  3. Me too. I wore HUGE clothing as if to say "don't see me- don't look."

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  4. I never got to bulimia, or anorexia,, but I wore huge clothes because the rumor in my school was,, "Your a whore" I wore my big leather coat everyday, in a school with no air conditioning, In 90% heat. My body was too petite. to well developed. it just confirmed to everyone that I was a slut. The pain was consuming.

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    1. You reminded me of something else to write about! thank you! I not only wore big clothes, I wore a ton of layers, even in the dead heat of summer. I was not developed- I feel my body stopped because of my step-father's anger over me becoming a non-child. But I felt like I could not bear to be seen so I stacked on the clothes too...

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  5. I wore huge clothes too and all black or gray...starved myself, only to cover it up. i guess i was trying to disappear.

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  6. I not only wore big clothes, I wore a ton of layers, even in the dead heat of summer. I was not developed- I feel my body stopped because of my step-father's anger over me becoming a non-child. But I felt like I could not bear to be seen so I stacked on the clothes too...Something to write about.

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