Monday, February 6, 2012

Just a Little Check-Up

I am 7 years old.  I am at the doctor's office for a check-up. It seems like I was just here not too long ago. This time I am wearing a gown and I am naked underneath.  I have never had to wear one before.  I ask if there will be a shot and there won't be.  I am not sick, so why am I hear?

My doctor is a man.  Usually my mother stays with me, but this time she sits in the waiting room.  The doctor lifts me onto a long table and tells me to lie down.  I always do as I am told.  I feel uncomfortable being naked and cold here.  He scoots my tiny body down and lifts each foot into a holder so that my legs are open.  Now I am alarmed.  I don't know what is going to happen.  I don't even know what has happened so far.  He snaps on some gloves.

He reaches his hands between my legs and uses his fingers to unfold the warmth between my legs.  I feel his finger probe and a pain shoots into my pelvis.  I am utterly confused.  I feel victimized- I have never felt that way before.  Who is he to do such a thing?  I don't know him! He is not my step father.  My step father would be so mad. 

I am pulling my shoes on as my mother returns to the adjacent office.  I hear the doctor telling her that everything is still in tact.  She breaths out as thought she has been holding her breath this whole time.
She comes to me and I think for a moment that she is going to actually touch me.  I am uncomfortable with the idea, but at the same time I want her arms around me.  She ties my shoe and tells me to get in the car.  It is time to go back home.  I don't ask about what just happened and she is silent as usual all the way home.


  1. How scary that must have been, on top of everything else. I'm so sorry. xoxo

  2. Thank you Cairn for breaking the silence!!!! Thank you for being so brutally honest. Your words are strength.

    Much Love

    1. <3 Thank you for reading and sharing. I can't tell you how many "strangers" have befriended me and how much it means to me to have open dialogue about this which has been so suppressed within our culture. Please do continue to repost to facebook and such. Love you! Cairn

  3. Wait... WHAT? This is infuriating...