Thursday, January 19, 2012

Born



I am Cairn- a play on my given name, Karen.  My husband helped me to realize myself as I am now- all biological, mental and emotional crap aside, 42 years old, and stable. I am a crystal-loving, thoroughly therapeutized, old-souled, newborn. After a previous marriage, several nervous breakdowns, raising a child though it all, I am ready to tell my stories.* I am an open encyclopedia- anything you want to know about mental, physical and sexual abuse is in the pages of my consciousness. Better yet, anything you want to know about therapy, medications, survival, I'm your book.


I was born into apathy. As far as I can tell, having kids was "the thing to do"- my brother and I were thusly appropriated.   Love was not really a factor. A deep yearning desire to stare into her children's eyes and all that jazz was not on my mother's agenda. My brother, 2 years my senior, and I were conceived by two people who married, also because it was "what was done".  We were both full-time day-"care" recipients from the first allowable get-go. They divorced when I was two-years-old.  My mother was a high school math teacher. My father was a tenured microbiology professor- they had stuff to do.


A few years of marriage in, my father realized that his life with my mother was loveless and he had slightly loftier visions about his life- being alone would be a huge improvement. My mother met a man right away. Being her own person has never been her forte. He was perfect- a man with a plan and a psychology degree to enforce it. What she didn't realize was that he didn't marry her- he married me.


These are the memories of the brain damaged, Post Traumatic Stress Disordered Enterprise. I am about to boldly go where no wo-man has really gone before.




*My stories are "ugly" and raw. I do warn that I am not one to mince words. I have experienced other peoples' stories as catalysts to my own subconscious memories in both cathartic and catastrophic ways. This type of experience can be very intense and can, and for lack of better phrasing, freak people out. Please, if you are just coming to realize abuse in your life, check yourself as to whether reading my stories will help or hinder right now.

5 comments:

  1. You know, this is a great way to start a book. Keep posting! I am proud of you.

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  2. Thanks, Ann. Who knows where this will go...

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  3. Cairn,
    I saw Juliette's post to read your blog and read every single word. I can't tell you how in awe of you I am. I have my own twisted and dysfunctional family past of abuse and know how difficult it is to shed the shame and talk about it; to bring light to such disgust that dwells deep within. But you, you Cairn, bring such a rawness to it that is heart-wrenching, honest and healing all at the same time. I hope you keep at this so that this type of abuse will someday cease to exist -- that can only happen when the shame is placed where it belongs, with the abuser, not us.

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    1. Hi Lisa,
      Thank you for sharing. There is so much work to be done to even begin to shed light. There is nothing more covered up and hushed than sexual abuse- it's ridiculous. So , please share this blog.
      You are so right that the problem needs to be confronted where the problem begins and that is a very convoluted issue to attack! All I know is that I am done with my inner demons and ready to roar!

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    2. Cairn,
      I'd say that you are beyond "ready" and roaring quite loudly -- Bravo!

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