My mother, most likely prompted by him, has made her way down the stairs in her robe to tell me to get off of the phone. I tell her I am in the middle of something, my homework is done and I will get off soon. I hear him slithering down the stairs, hiding in the landing, listening in. My mother is stern with me and demands that I get off of the phone NOW. I turn my back to her. I don't care about her. I don't care about her rules. Since when has she ever cared about what goes on in my life?
He is there in front of me fast. He has rushed past my mother and down the hall before I can prepare myself for his tirade. He tells me to get off the phone. Something in me cracks. The quiet, timid child I once was has taken leave, while her big sister has come to her aid. Her demons are far bigger than his.
She stands. She looks him dead in the eye and tells him he has no control anymore- he has no right. He puffs up and prepares his threats. She picks up the antique phone- it must weigh a good 5 pounds. With her boyfriend still hanging on the other line she takes a few steps backwards and heaves the phone at his head. She wants him dead. Abused crimes
The black hunk hits his deflecting arm and then crashes to the floor. It is so sturdy that it doesn't even break. He steps away from it, knowing how lethal its heft against his temple would have been. He surveys the blackness within my eyes- a reflection of the darkness he has created in me. He only has himself to contend with now and if he thinks he can get away with his wrong doings, he will have to run from what he he has created in me.
My mother has gone back to bed. We all know there is nothing left to say. I could easily, and with zero conscience, kill this man, and maybe even her too. I am so filled with rage, so surrendered to the numbness that blankets it- we all know that I am dangerous.The child abuse accommodation syndrome-Rage Best if we all retire and forget about this little incident. Things will be different for now on.
On processing rage after abuse:http://faithallen.wordpress.com/2008/10/22/how-to-process-anger-after-child-abuse/
Interesting report on defenses concerning murder after abuse:http://www.justice.qld.gov.au/__data/assets/pdf_file/0018/21618/homicide-in-abusive-relationships-report-on-defences.pdf
Child Abuse, Sexual Abuse, PTSD, Anxiety, Self-harm, Cutting, Depression, Survivor, Survivor of childhood abuse, Postpartum depression, postpartum psychosis, OCD, Recovered memories, Repressed memories, Spousification, Stockholm Syndrome, Suicide, Teen Suicide, bullying, drug abuse, incest, memoir, Attachment Disorder, reactive Attachment Disorder, Physical Abuse, Mental illness, Rage